End of Year Routine

End of Year Routine

As the end of the year approaches it’s hard to shake off the feeling of disappointment for anything and everything I set but filed to accomplish. Disappointed that not much has changed since the same time last year, although I bragged in anticipation expecting a great year. Disappointed that the first three thoughts on my mind when I look back at the year are of sadness. Disappointment mixed with excitement (or not) as we countdown the hours till next year and plenty of hope. Hope that this year I will finally clear all my debts, become a millionaire (although I have stopped playing the lottery) or just generally have more money (somehow; open to suggestions – no drug dealing thou!). Hope that I have learnt from the mistakes I made this year and that I can start fresh on a new empty page, only this time no errors or overwriting.

I couldn’t wait for 2015 to be over since January because I had so much planned for 2016. I called it the ‘transition year’ between 2014 and what was going to be a ‘BOOM YEAR’. I wanted 2015 to be over so much that it went by at a pace I couldn’t keep up with and now I am not even ready for 2016. The anticipated ‘Boom’, well, I’ll be lucky if there’s a spark at all.

It’s funny how 12 months of my life can be resumed in 3 moments: My decision to move back to England, moving back to England and starting my new job. Guess it’s fair to say leaving Northern Ireland was my biggest accomplishment this year. But I take comfort in that, because for the first time in 25 years of my life, I can celebrate ‘the biggest accomplishment of the year’ 2 years in a row. And yes moving to Northern Ireland was the big thing in 2014!

Of course being alive is also an accomplishment. Perhaps one that shouldn’t be taken for granted but one that I am going to.

Growing up is a bitch! I have figured that much! People look up to you, question your judgement, judge your decisions and compliment you for what you consider common sense. And every year brings more of the same. It’s a new page but it’s an old book. It might be exciting to write in a new page but it only takes one little mistake and you forced to scribble and just like that it triggers a chain reaction and that hope is lost and next thing you know….. I can’t wait for 2017.

‘I miss you’…… BOOM!

‘I miss you’…… BOOM!

cartoon-eagle-clip-art-free-1626793We all know dating is a war! A hot and yet cold endless war of which we all hope to retire from one day so we can hide the scars and bruises and be remembered for the battles we fought by those who fought alongside us. And wear the medals of honour we receive for our final achievement.

You might think the ‘L’ bombs are the hardest to dodge in this war but you got to agree that the ‘M’ ones are equally as bad. Call me an idiot when I say that I’m starting to think that in this day and age if someone says ‘I love you’, you can get away with not saying it back as long as you don’t act weird about it. I’d like to think that the modern lovers understand that it just means that you are not in the same place emotionally or that one of you will never be. But ‘I miss you’….

Again I can only speak for myself but I know I’m not the only one who feels uncomfortable hearing it.
It’s like catching a jacket potato with bare hands and left juggling it from a hand to another because the only other option is to throw it back to wherever it came from.

My problem with such expression is the struggle to understand its meaning! Not that I never missed someone or something before but there were reasons behind it. Now, when I am texting the girl I’m seeing and we been flowing back and forth for some time about a certain subject and when we hit the end of the conversation I get a casual, plain and out of place ‘I miss you’ and BOOOOOOOM!!!!
I Miss YouI turn momentarily deaf such is he loud sound of the bomb exploding next to me. I get genuinely confused!

I have been through a lot trying to find solution! In the process, I have been called insensitive and accused of not caring despite the amount of time and effort I put on dining out and romantic evenings.

At first I used to ignore it and carry on the previous conversation hoping she wouldn’t notice but there’s no escape through that route because what was said once can always be repeated. Actually, it’s worth pointing out how often the phenomenon keeps re occurring when one tries to ignore it.

I often consider changing the topic but let’s face it! Unless you are dating a lamp, a doll or a car (not being funny! Remember watching ‘My Strange Addiction’) no one is dumb enough to ‘miss the switch’.

However nothing beats the trickier thought of saying it back. I do it thinking ‘there, I said it, let’s move on’ but all that seems to do is spark further unwanted conversation like ‘what do you miss about me’ or ‘are you just saying it’ or ‘aww why didn’t you say it before’. I’m running out of options and I can feel my enemies closing in. Even what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger ……. nahhhhhhhh I don’t think that applies, I’m running for my life!

For now as soon as I hear/read such meteoric words I laugh and highlight the number of weeks, days and/or hours until we get to see each other.
Do I hope to retire from this war? Certainly! Would I do it now? Unlikely! So till then I guess I better study the opposition and figure a strategy for my next battle!